Why Relationships Matter

Relationships are the foundation of our lives, and yet, many of us struggle to navigate them effectively. In this article, we’ll explore the concept of ‘with me or against me’ and how it can hold us back in our relationships.

Source: cdn2.psychologytoday.com

As a couples therapist, I’ve seen countless instances of this phenomenon play out in therapy sessions. It’s a natural response to feeling flooded or overwhelmed, but it can lead to black-and-white thinking and create a victim triangle dynamic.

The victim triangle has three roles or behaviors: victim, savior, and persecutor. People don’t sit in one; they flow between all three, sometimes in a single conversation. Black-and-white thinking is what holds the triangle together, because the triangle runs on somebody being all wrong and somebody being all right.

The Way Out is Multiplicity

The way out of this binary thinking is multiplicity, the ability to hold different parts of yourself at the same time. This means being able to access and shift between different self-states consciously. Psychological maturity is the ability to do this, and it’s essential for creating a two-narrative relationship instead of a one-narrative fight.

When we’re flooded, our prefrontal cortex goes offline, and we resort to binary thinking. But when we take a step back, breathe, and get our prefrontal cortex back online, we can start to see things in shades of gray. We can use the ‘also’ technique, replacing ‘always’ and ‘never’ with ‘also’ and ‘sometimes.’ This helps us make room for another truth next to ours.

We can also use the phrase ‘in my experience’ to own that it’s just our experience, not necessarily the truth. This phrase invites our partner to share their subjective experience, creating two truths and two narratives.

Graduating from Binary

So, how do we graduate from binary thinking? It starts with believing that we’re not a victim. If we want to step out of the binaries, we need to believe this, even if we fake it at first. And if we’re not a victim, that means our partner isn’t against us; they’re just different from us, and that’s what makes the relationship more interesting.

We need to notice when we catch ourselves in a ‘with me/against me’ binary. Understand that it’s a signal that our nervous system is flooded, and we’re not seeing the full picture. Then, we need to breathe, get our prefrontal cortex back online, and use the techniques mentioned above to start seeing things in shades of gray.

Lastly, we need to play. Play helps us hold on to multiplicity and soften our exclamation points about our partner into question marks about our relationship. It’s essential to have our curiosity outweigh our certainty, as that’s the first equation in the relational math of change.

Once we step away from binaries, from ‘with/against me,’ we’ll step into color, range, and newfound richness on the way to a richer, renewed marriage with our partner.

References:

Bromberg, P. M. (1996). Standing in the spaces: The multiplicity of self and the psychoanalytic relationship. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 32(4), 509-535.

Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York, NY: Owl Books.