Communicating closure counts and says a lot about one’s character. Poor exits at work, in relationships, or with habits are often fraught with fear and avoidance. Today we have phrases made popular that glorify the horrible pattern of a cut-and-run parting style.

Source: cdn2.psychologytoday.com

When we don’t part smart, we may repeat similarly poor mistakes in the future. If first impressions matter, last impressions matter even more. People dread handing in a two- to four-week notice at work. They stay silent when a relationship has struggles rather than communicate, which could mend matters.

Poor habits creep into exits, especially with technology, yet bad departures can create a lifetime of disappointment, uneasy questions, and lingering emotion. Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward, writes, “Endings are a natural part of the universe. Your life and business must face them, stagnate or die.”

Leaving a Job

In our information age, industries are interconnected. News of unprofessional behavior travels among former colleagues and second-hand channels. When flooded with emotion after being let go or pressured to resign, some don’t think about the months that follow. Sabotaging the office, badmouthing others, and unpleasant behavior bodes poorly for that needed LinkedIn endorsement or job reference.

You also don’t want to be branded with an internal red flag in HR not to rehire if the trajectory of your path ever changes. Before you exit, give adequate notice, leave needed records, and be a resource. Maintain positive relationships with colleagues for everyone’s sake because a solid professional network pays off.

Goodbye to a Habit

Kicking a bad habit has health and relationship benefits. If you don’t, other partings may be rendered a moot point. We spend a shocking 43% of our day doing things without thinking, says Wendy Wood in Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick. Willpower alone is inadequate to initiate change.

Humans are wired to pay attention to previous pleasure. It’s tough to eradicate a bad habit. Johns Hopkins neuroscientists demonstrated that when people see something associated with a past reward, their brain flushes with dopamine, without realizing it. Past experiences bias our attention. People they studied who better focused on tasks, resisting distraction, appeared to suppress dopamine release.

Getting rid of a bad habit sheds old, dysfunctional patterns and sets you to a new identity. Hospitals and community centers offer smoking cessation help. Group support aids alcohol, drug, gambling, and even shopping abuse.

In therapy, clients can discuss how to write a letter to their habit-driven selves, attach it to paper, and set it free in the wind or ocean to disintegrate into nature. The symbolic act proves to be powerful.

Smart Relationship Partings

The ‘Golden Rule’—do unto others as you would want done to you—conveniently slips memory, when humans flood with rage or raw emotion. Imbed that simple motto into your relationship behavior.

We have modern terms to describe opposite bad actions: benching, ghosting, slow fading, orbiting, submarining—all forms of cut, hide, and run. If you wouldn’t want to be kept as a backup option, face stonewalled silence, be reduced over time, or surveilled, don’t do that to others.

Of course, there are dangerous relationships, where looking out for number one takes priority. In most others, person number two needs to be a priority also.

As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, “Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.” Pick a private place to have the face-to-face conversation. Use ‘I statements’ vs. ‘you did or didn’t’ ones. Be direct, not offering false friendship hopes or pointing out little flaws.

Everyone has these. Instead, give a reason that makes sense, especially if it’s a long-distance relationship or a distinct difference in life trajectory or interests, and offer genuine compliments. Let the person you’re leaving feel a bit upset or cry, but don’t change your resolve just because you can’t handle conflict or tears.

Exiting a Marriage

If there ever was a need to do a debrief, it’s this with so much more at stake here, particularly the longer you’ve been married. Proper closure affords dignity and helps both parties into a next chapter.

Sadly, separations and divorce actions can erupt after years of buildup, with a spark and explosions or implosions—three of four anger stages I wrote about in Overcoming Passive Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness.

I covered passive aggressive divorce before, but compassion, kindness, and cooperation will help you both move on and have more to show for it (with your finances and character intact). That keeps motive and outcome (discussed in my book) in proper check.

With difficult personality traits or a poor marriage genogram that modeled bad exits, poor parting often overrides the will for smart parting. Frequently, one partner has time to conjure a world on his/her own.

Allow the other to catch up emotionally and logistically to figure out reasonable next steps. Impatience on your end doesn’t count as kindness. Certainly, desertion and dumping a host of responsibilities that should be shared is flat-out cruel.

Should severing communications without closure ever enter your mind, keep Longfellow’s advice in mind, as that would be equally heartless.

Ambiguous Loss

When there’s no understanding, no post-mortem, maybe even abandonment, ambiguous loss sets in as you grieve a person who is still alive, sometimes one who passes. You’re left with lingering questions and loose ends.

Ambiguous loss occurs if there’s a sudden injury rendering a partner in a chronic state that’s severely altered them, or if you suddenly find a secret life or plans to desert you.

Stephanie Sarazin wrote Soul Broken: A Guidebook for Your Journey Through Ambiguous Grief, wherein she tackles caregiver grief to discovering secrets and abandonment. She walks readers through being shell-shocked with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem to work on.

Landmines of birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are triggers. In my own therapy practice and life, I’ve found that rewriting some memories—going to favorite places and dealing with calendar dates, to form fresh ones—helps to balance and respect the past yet move beyond to claim what’s ahead for your own intentions and purposes.