The Importance of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a vital aspect of human relationships, yet it is often misunderstood. People sometimes reject forgiving because they are unclear about what it entails.

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In the field of psychology, forgiveness has been a neglected topic for nearly a century. When I began studying forgiveness scientifically in 1985, I realized that forgiveness as a research topic had been overlooked in psychological research. This lack of attention to forgiveness is particularly concerning, given its importance in our personal and social lives.

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What Forgiveness Is Not

To help correct this misunderstanding, I will describe nine common views of forgiving that are completely incorrect.

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When people forgive, they are not simply ‘moving on’ from the situation. This view implies that forgiveness is about letting go of a problem or issue, without taking into account the harm or injustice that was caused. However, forgiveness is not just about moving on; it is about acknowledging the inherent worth of the person who was harmed and offering mercy and compassion.

Another misconception is that forgiveness is about excusing or justifying the behavior of the person who was wrong. This view implies that forgiveness is about letting someone off the hook for their actions, without taking responsibility for their harm. However, forgiveness is not about excusing or justifying behavior; it is about acknowledging the harm that was caused and offering mercy and compassion.

A common expression that gets forgiveness into trouble is ‘forgive and forget.’ However, forgiveness is not about forgetting the past; it is about remembering it in a new way. When we forgive, we do not forget the harm that was caused; we remember it in a way that allows us to move forward and find healing.

Some people mistakenly believe that forgiveness is about calming down angry emotions. However, forgiveness is not just about managing our emotions; it is about offering mercy and compassion to someone who has been harmed. When we forgive, we may experience a reduction in anger and resentment, but this is not the primary goal of forgiveness.

Another misconception is that forgiveness is about reconciliation. While forgiveness can be a step towards reconciliation, it is not the same thing. Forgiveness is about offering mercy and compassion to someone who has been harmed, regardless of whether or not they are willing to reconcile.

Some people believe that forgiveness means abandoning justice or seeking revenge. However, forgiveness is not about abandoning justice; it is about seeking justice in a way that is fair and compassionate. When we forgive, we can still seek justice and accountability, while also offering mercy and compassion to the person who was harmed.

Forgiveness is not just about saying ‘I forgive you.’ While words are important, forgiveness is about planting a moral virtue in the heart, with merciful thoughts and feelings toward the other person. Forgiveness is a choice that requires effort and commitment, but it can lead to healing, growth, and greater empathy and compassion.

Finally, forgiveness is not about forgiving situations or events; it is about forgiving people who have been unjust. When we forgive situations or events, we are not acknowledging the inherent worth of the people involved; we are simply trying to move on from the problem. Forgiveness is about offering mercy and compassion to someone who has been harmed, not to a situation or event.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is a complex and multifaceted concept that is often misunderstood. By understanding what forgiveness is not, we can better understand what it is and how it can be a powerful tool for healing, growth, and greater empathy and compassion.