When the Spark Is Missing from the Start

Many heterosexual men enter therapy admitting they chose their partner without giving sexual attraction a priority. In joint sessions they often say they don’t know why desire is absent, blaming stress, hormones or anxiety. Yet when interviewed alone, the same men reveal a clearer picture: they deliberately selected a life partner who checked nearly every box except the one for sexual chemistry.

Source: media.cnn.com

The Checklist That Left Out Lust

The qualities they did value included being a best friend, having the makings of an amazing mother, enjoying strong approval from friends and family, and feeling genuinely loved. Sexual attraction, however, was frequently omitted from the list altogether. Therapist Ian Kerner notes that this omission is striking because sexuality acts as a crucial “relationship glue” that helps couples weather difficult periods.

What Experts Say About Prioritizing Traits

Research from the Kinsey Institute shows that while physical attractiveness is often cited as important, traits such as intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness regularly rank equally or higher for both men and women. Sex therapist Elizabeth Perri observes an internalized “either/or” mindset among some men: they feel pressured to pick a partner who embodies “wife material” even if the sexual spark is missing, rather than waiting for someone who satisfies both emotional and erotic needs.

Can Desire Be Cultivated Later?

Eva Dillon, a New York‑based sex therapist, compares sex to protein in a meal — essential, not a dispensable dessert. She argues that while women may be able to nurture desire over time, men who lack initial attraction rarely develop it later. Conversely, sexologist Yvonne Fulbright points out that for some couples a lower level of sexual interest only becomes problematic when societal expectations create pressure to perform.

Navigating the Challenge Together

Therapists caution against assuming that immediate physical attraction is a prerequisite for a lasting bond. Rachel Needle notes that attraction can grow as closeness and connection deepen. For couples already in a long‑term relationship, experts suggest honest communication, exploring non‑monogamy if mutually agreed, and redefining intimacy beyond orgasm. Ultimately, the decision about how much weight to give sexual attraction must be made by the partners themselves, weighing it against the many other strengths their relationship may already possess.