Frauds, Con Men, Liars, and Shame

Compulsive liars are different from fraudsters and con men because their lying is out of control. They accept their sense of guilt because they value the admiration elicited by their lies.

The urge to impress others can outweigh the fear of having lies exposed. This is because their fragile and distorted sense of self relies heavily on others’ admiration.

When a compulsive liar’s lies are exposed, they are left with no sense of self, a condition tantamount to death. This is because their self-worth is deeply tied to the admiration of others.

So, why do compulsive liars engage in this behavior? The answer lies in the need for constant reassurance. They hope to construct a dense facade of self-flattering stories that the flow of admiration is constant.

As psychiatrist James Gilligan has shown, shame involves mortification, a term that stems from the Latin mors, or death, and facere, which means to make. Shame is the making of death for the social self.

The Lying Starts From Shame

A compulsive liar, on the other hand, does not so much aim to trick others as to cover the shame of their own lack of self by eliciting your admiration. Your admiration warms and enlivens the little bits and pieces of a self that seems, to them, to be deficient, empty, perhaps even ugly.

Lying may be deeply uncomfortable for them, but it gives them, from this perspective, the best self they think they can get.

Their lies are out of control because they don’t mind that their social mirror presents a false image. Their constant quest is for more and more admiration, regardless of the terms on which it is acquired.

This leaves them extremely vulnerable when their lies are exposed. Without the trappings that clamor for others’ approval, stuck in the spotlight of public opprobrium, they have no self, a condition tantamount to death.