Dependence is a state of relying on someone or something to help improve our functioning. It can be reasonable or unreasonable, and understanding the difference is crucial for maintaining a healthy and balanced life. The ideal state is not being 100% independent but rather relying on others and things when appropriate.

Clear cases of rational dependence involve being dependent on basic necessities like food, clothing, and shelter in a non-compulsive or addictive manner. We can also be dependent on professionals such as dermatologists, ophthalmologists, or dentists to help and advise us in their areas of specialization.

The Dark Side of Dependence

Irrational dependence is characterized by unhealthy and limiting beliefs that can hold us back from living our lives to the fullest. These beliefs include:

• I absolutely must have someone’s support, help, approval, and love.
• I am without a relationship, and I can’t stand being alone.
• My partner must be loving, approving, and helpful at all times.
• Not having a relationship proves I’m unlovable.
• It’s awful to have a life without a partner.

Overcoming irrational dependence requires identifying the underlying beliefs causing it, questioning, challenging, and contradicting them repeatedly until we develop more rational and empowering thoughts.

The Ugly Truth About Addiction

Dependence on alcohol and drugs is often the most damaging type of dependence. Not only does it make little sense psychologically, but it also frequently wreaks havoc on our bodies and long-term health. Harm from alcohol includes liver disease, pancreatitis, heart disease, and cardiovascular disease.

The good news is that all unreasonable dependence is caused by our thinking, and we can change our thinking by questioning, challenging, and uprooting our irrational beliefs. For example, if we are addicted to alcohol and believe we absolutely must satisfy our urge for a drink, we can address this addiction-created thinking using a three-minute exercise:

• A. (Activating Event) I have the urge for a glass of wine.
• B. (Irrational Beliefs) I absolutely must have my urge for a glass of wine satisfied. I cannot stand the frustration. I can’t control myself. It’s awful, terrible, and horrible to feel frustrated.
• C. (Undesirable Behavior) Compulsively drinking wine.
• D. (Disputing or Questioning the Irrational Belief) What is the evidence that proves I can’t rationally stand having my urge unsatisfied? What is the evidence that I can’t control myself?
• E. (Effective New Thinking) There is no reasonable evidence, logic, or pragmatics that proves I can’t rationally stand having my urge for wine unfulfilled. Although I greatly prefer to have a glass of wine right now, I do not absolutely have to. I don’t like feeling frustrated, but I definitely can rationally stand what I do not like. I have survived this in the past, and I will survive it this time. Demanding I drink now doesn’t help and only makes it more difficult to resist. It’s not my craving for a glass of wine that is my problem, but rather it’s my irrational thinking about it, and with much practice, I can change my thinking.
• F. (New Behavior that resulted from Effective New Thinking) Refusing to drink the wine.

By understanding the complexities of dependence and taking the first steps towards change, we can break free from unhealthy patterns and live a more balanced and fulfilling life.